What I've Learned in 59 Days.

Well, tomorrow marks two months since little man was born. It has been a learning experience, complete with a huge learning curve. Thank goodness babies are resilient. Here are some more pearls of wisdom I have learned:

1. There truly is nothing more precious than a baby who is falling asleep, asleep or smiling and laughing. It will melt your heart and make all those other times bearable.

2. I can function quite well on 3 hours of sleep. Even better if that 3 hours is in a row.

3. A sideways cradle swing is the best purchase you can ever make. Buy a lot of batteries too, you will need them.

4. Babies generate a lot of laundry, more than you might think possible. Don't wait until the basket is full...their outfits are small and build up quickly.

5. Once you get "itsy bitsy spider" in your head you will never get it out.

6. It is important to let people help you; especially grandparents who love him almost as much as I do.

7. Your whole perspective on life will change and all the little dramas from before really don't matter after all.

8. Don't leave bottles or formula soaked cloths laying around...the cats will lick them and then puke.

9. When you start exercising go slow. You are not at your pre-pregnancy fitness level.

10. I am not a morning person. I am not a sunrise person, give me a sunset any day. No matter how many days you are up before the sun it doesn't get better or easier. Taking naps on the couch is priceless.

Friends

I have spent a lot of time blogging about friends simply because they are an important part of my life. Many times they break my heart and just as many times I am surprised at the wonderful friends I have. No time tests a friendship like a major life change. Who is there to support you and who disappears when you need them most? The answer may surprise you, it kind of surprised me.

Amazing how you can have friends who you consider to be special and awesome, that is until you need something. They are quite good at taking but not so good at giving. There are promises given before your life changing event, but when all is said and done they are no where to be found. Suddenly you realize that you spent all that time and energy on a hopeless situation. 5 wasted years...well, not wasted but definitely not used fully.

Then you have the friends who just kind of forget about you. Take a few weeks off from work and you never hear from them. When all you want is a simple, "hey, how are you doing?" or "I miss you", or maybe "I was thinking about you today". None of that comes your way and you realize that those friendships were one-sided as well. Especially when you hear through the grapevine that these people are discussing you while you are gone. Nice touch and thanks for that icing on the cake.

Something that I am thankful for is the many people who have come over to visit, called or even just sent a simple text message to say they miss me. Those are friends. People that I never expected to be available and so willing to help have been here more than my "friends". And don't forget the friend you can call at your worst moment and know that it will be okay simply because you talked to them. Thank you Cindy!

So I have learned a lot about my friends and my acquaintances; I think I can define the two much better now. For that, I am thankful.

What I've learned in 21 days...

1. Being a mother is the hardest job you will ever do. Going to work everyday and putting in 40-50 hour work weeks is a breeze. Mothers don't get a lunch break or even a bathroom break for that matter. Mothers can't leave the room or building when the stress becomes too much for them. You are a mother 24hrs a day, 7 days a week.

2. If you have any control issues you better check them once the baby enters your life. This child is going to be the most unpredictable part of your life. You cannot plan when they sleep, when they eat or even when they want to cry. If you think you can you will be setting yourself up for failure. Be flexible and go with the flow.

3. Being sad after the birth of your child is a normal response to a sudden shift in hormones. That being said, what you really need to know is you will spend the first 2 weeks of your child's life crying for no reason. After the first 2 weeks the crying will slow down and only appear on occasion. Again, this is a normal response so don't let yourself think you are horrible for being unable to control your emotions.

4. Postpartum depression is a very real disease. It is the type of disease that everyone thinks won't happen to them, until it does. Don't mess around, see a doctor and get some help. Don't hide the fact that you are having these feelings and you need help. More women end up depressed than not, you are not in the minority.

5. Plan on needing help for the first 4 weeks of the postpartum period. I know this sounds crazy but it is so true, especially if you start to have problems with depression. Have friends stop by, have parents come stay and help out, anything you need. Just make sure you have help.

6. Sleep deprivation will take on a new meaning for all parents. Suddenly sleeping for 3 hours is a big accomplishment. You will be thrilled when the baby sleeps through a feeding. The days will be a blur of fatigue and you will feel like you are in the twilight zone. This does not help with the emotions which are already in turmoil. Sleep whenever possible, if possible.

7. You are not a bad mother if your baby cries. Babies cry and sometimes there is no reason. Also, you are not a bad mother if you don't know how to make your baby stop crying. There is no instruction manual for babies so all you can do is your best and hope it is good enough.

8. There are experts who have studied many things but only you are the expert for your child. They do not know your child. Follow your instinct and go with your gut. No two children are alike so the experts can only offer suggestions.

9. There are many opportunities to doubt yourself and your parenting ability...don't listen to these doubts. You will do fine and the baby will be fine. Parenting is full of decision making so just do your best and go with your heart.

10. Worrying doesn't stop once the baby is born, it continues indefinitely. Every time the baby cries you will worry. Every time the baby doesn't cry you will worry. If they wake up too much you will worry. If they sleep too long you will worry. It is a never ending process.

Those are a few of the things I have learned in my first 3 weeks as a mother. Like I said, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Our child is perfect, healthy and sweet and still it is hard. I now know why you automatically get 6 weeks off when you have a baby...you need about 20!

Strength

Sometimes it is amazing what people can endure and still continue to go about life while others seem to fade almost immediately. The strength inside a person is not about physical strength, but more about mental and spiritual strength. Being strong doesn't take just oneself, it takes the ability to know when you need help to continue on. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do and many people view it as a sign of weakness, yet really only the strong have the ability to ask for help. I've always considered myself a pretty strong person. I have the ability to compartmentalize situations and deal with them individually. I have the ability to stay clear of confusing emotions and focus on what is going on and what I need to do. Lately though, I find myself relying more on others than on myself.

These past few months have been some of the most difficult in my life. The loss of a friend shook me more than I ever thought possible. The words left unspoken have been difficult to deal with and full of regret. What if I had sent that email or made that phone call, would things have been better? If I had let my feelings known would the outcome have been different? I know I tried, but did I try hard enough? We talk about him all the time at work, yet in almost reluctance to bring up a difficult subject. We shelter each other and protect each other's feelings like the precious object they are. When does this safety net disappear?

I am blessed with a core group of friends who are my strength. They are my sounding board and conscience. I know that they understand my feelings because they are having the same feelings. Somehow there is comfort in not being alone with your suffering. I am also blessed to have met two of the most wonderful people in the world...Nick's parents. They are a source of strength and inspiration. To see them deal with their pain and still be available to those of us who aren't dealing makes me stronger. Their willingness to share memories and emotions with people they really don't know is amazing. I don't know if any of us, myself especially, could have made it through the last 2 months without knowing them.

Strength isn't about how you act or what you feel, it is about who you have around you to help you and who you turn too. Strength is the ability to say that you need help and then accepting what is given to you.

A pregnancy sucks blog

Women will tell you that pregnancy is the most wonderful time of their life. They never felt better, had more energy or appreciated life more. I have to think something happens to women once they have a child and all the real pregnancy memories disappear. If that didn't happen, none of us would be here now. The reality is that pregnancy is designed to torture your body and your mind. Not only do you feel pain in places you never new could hurt, but all those regular places now hurt 100% more. Eating is a joy until you are done and the indigestion sets in to the point you might as well just vomit. The weight gain is enough to make anyone throw away all mirrors, after all, you don't recognize yourself anymore. Of course we can go into the wardrobe options...all 3 shirts which fit and no I'm not buying more in this size. The fatigue is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Maybe I will see this precious baby's face and forget all about the mental and physical pain, I hope so. Right now, pregnancy is not fun and with 6 weeks left to go I am dreaming of an ice cold Corona (which no doubt will go right through me since my bladder is the size of a walnut). So that is the pregnancy experience from the viewpoint of someone who has yet to see the end result.

Stages of Grief

There are different stages of grief a person who has experienced a loss can expect to go through. The main stages were defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and are: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance. Some stages that have been added, although not officially can include: shock/disbelief, guilt, numbness, disorganization and reorganization. These stages will be experienced in a very non-specific order, but most of these feelings will be seen. These stages have been developed as a tool to help people who deal with those who are grieving and also help those who are grieving. Kind of like a way to say, "what you are feeling is okay and perfectly normal". The problem being, nobody grieves in the same way as everyone else.

Why bring this up? I am trying to figure out which stage I am in and how soon I can expect my life to return to normalcy. When can I start my day without a huge burden of sadness and when can I close my eyes at night without visions of hospitals and death. Some normalcy has returned simply because life has to keep going on. Somehow I feel guilty for the normalcy, yet comforted by the fact that I won't be sad forever. I don't want to loose those random thoughts and memories that crop up during the day and night, however, I have to find peace with the situation and what happened. How can someone find peace with a situation completely out of their control?

Nesting...the phenonmenon

Nesting is something which happens to women who are pregnant. The main goal is to ready the house and your life for the arrival of the new baby. This is carried out through various tasks which usually are ridiculous but seem important at this exact moment in time. It's like a compulsion, something beyond your control. Well, I am nesting. My main goal...to steam clean all the carpets in the house, move all the furniture, organize closets and finish decorating the nursery. Of course my memory is shot so I now have lists all over the house of things which I need to do. Since I am slightly smaller than a house right now there is no way I can accomplish all these tasks alone...enter the husband.

Husbands do not enjoy the nesting process. They have no need to prepare for a child, that's what the mother is for. They do, however, get to participate simply out of necessity. The quiet weekends enjoyed by my husband are gone, replaced by lists and elaborate cleaning plans. Rest assured his back will hurt by the time the day is done and he will be the one running up and down the stairs, not me. I am lucky enough to have a husband who doesn't complain about my plans or schemes, he simply comes along for the ride....never asking questions. Perhaps because he is afraid of an emotional breakdown...perhaps he is afraid my stubbornness will make sure the task is done with or without him...or perhaps he is just a great guy. I'm voting for just being a great guy.

So as the nesting continues for the next couple weeks my house will be cleaned from top to bottom. My closets will be cleaned and neatly organized. The carpets will sparkle, all to be ready for a child who will never know any of this happened. Silly? Maybe, but like I said, it has to happen.