Support

All the news media talks about the nursing shortage and how much worse the shortage will be in a decade. The truth is there is a shortage of nurses who are willing to work in the political, unsupportive conditions present in 99% of the hospitals in this country. There is only so much abuse a person can take while trying to do their job before it is decided that no job is worth the harassment. Everyone has a different breaking point but the main trend is the longer you have been in nursing the quicker you are to leave it all behind. Talk to any seasoned nurse and they will tell you about all the other jobs they have applied for or the other careers they are considering; they may even be in school as you speak for a new direction in their life.

So how can the shortage be fixed? Not a simple 1-2-3 answer unfortunately. I can only answer what is important to me although I think many nurses would agree. Support is the most important thing to me. Support from the physicians whose patients I am caring for; support from the management and support from my peers. I need to know that if someone tries to throw me under the bridge my manager or peer is going to be grabbing me before I hit the water. Heaven forbid management actually stand up for the nursing staff and defend us...I know that is a lot to ask so never mind.

Health care is a mess and I know that. The doctors are feeling the pinch from decreasing insurance payouts and higher malpractice insurance. They carry their bad mood onto the management and nursing staff who have no outlet but each other unless you have the balls to actually yell back at a physician (it really does work). So what is the solution? I don't think there is one so in the meantime patients can look forward to burnout nurses trying their best to work in a less than desirable situation. It's not like we make life or death decisions, right?

Time moves on

It is a fact that time continues to move on no matter what is going on in your life. This can be a curse and a comfort at the same time. No matter what tragedy you have been through there is comfort in the fact that time does continue to move, the clock keeps ticking away. Sometimes it is a curse; how can everything continue on like nothing happened when your world has been shaken apart? All we can do is grieve the best way we know how, talk to people we love and try to continue on in life. Not always easy, but unfortunately it is the only way to survive.

One week ago I was standing in a line that made me proud. It was the line to pay respect to Nick's family. We waited for 2 1/2 hours to see his parents and tell them how much we were going to miss Nick; it was time well spent. What made me proud was seeing the huge impact Nick had on so many people, including myself. I am privileged to include myself in that large number of lives affected.

Time moves on and hurts heal slowly. Everyday brings a little relief to the pain of reality and eventually we will move on to petty things. There are still sad moments...a video posted on the internet...a conversation among friends...but eventually life will allow us to move on and be ourselves as much as possible. Maybe we will be even better for a lesson learned and friend remembered.

Memorial Service

Today is the memorial service for my friend Nick. It has been 4 long days since we lost him. Each day gets a little easier and yet I am continually amazed at the impact he had on everyone. I loved Nick like a brother and nothing that was said or done could have changed that; what is amazing is the broad reach his smile had. Everyone knew Nick and everyone loved Nick. So today we will go pay our respects to his family and see some friends we haven't seen in a while, all to honor Nick and his amazing life.

I think what has made this such a hard tragedy to deal with is the pure senseless nature of his death. Violence is never okay; random violence is even harder to deal with. How can you accept that Nick was in the wrong place at the wrong time? How is it okay for someone so wonderful to loose their life over location and bad luck? There are no more chances that we will run into him; the chance of seeing that smile is gone and that is what is so hard to accept. We always knew Nick was still out there, even if he wasn't with us and now we have to deal with the reality of him not being out there.

I know everything happens for a reason. Maybe some relationships needed to be repaired and that was the reason. Maybe he saved the life of so many people and that is the reason. I don't know, but everyday I try to find the reason for this emptiness I am feeling and I hope that soon I can smile and say, "Remember when Nick used to....".

Yesterday I lost a friend...

Yesterday I lost a friend. I didn't lose them in the sense of we are no longer friends, I lost them in the very real, very physical they are no longer here sense. I lost a friend who meant more to me than most people and unfortunately it took a tragedy to realize how much. I lost a friend I had not spoken too in 6 months and for that I will forever be sorry. I lost a friend I took for granted, a friend whose smile always cheered me up and whose laugh would light up a room. I lost a friend who was always on my mind and always with me, even though he wasn't.

I am not ready to talk about all the funny stories because they will never happen again. I am not ready to accept that his death has meant life for so many others because I did not know them, only him. I am not ready to admit he is dead because that was not him I saw laying helpless in that bed. I am not ready to stop crying, even though I wish I could...a part of me is gone and I don't know if it will come back.

29 is too young to die and yet he touched so many lives he should have been 80. Random violence doesn't happen to people like him, it happens to gang bangers and street people who live life dangerously. People who love and live with such passion don't die young, until yesterday when I lost my friend. So many things I wish I had told him, yet I think he knew everything...at least that is what I tell myself. Eventually I will be ready to smile and laugh about his little quirks...but not today.

The hospital...according to a nurse.

When you think of a hospital you mostly think of patients and the people who take care of them. What's missing is a large component....the family members of the people. Now I work on a unit that specializes in injury to brain tissue or the spinal cord so I expect a certain amount of neurotic or unpredictable behavior from the patients and I have even come to enjoy that part of my job. What continues to amaze me is when family members are even crazier and this seems to go in waves. I have always thought about writing a book to help people know what to expect when they are in the hospital; instead, I am going to give some advice for how NOT to act. Again, this is geared towards my unit (critical care) and is only my opinion.

1. When your loved one is in the hospital you are a guest. You are not a doctor, lawyer, engineer, nurse, congressman.....you are a guest. I don't care to hear about you sister's brother-in-law who is a malpractice attorney nor do I care to take advice from a podiatrist. You will not intimidate me with your fancy title nor will you telling me in any way influence the care I give to your loved one; it will only annoy me.

2. The more you annoy me the less time I will spend with the patient. I will in no way impair the care I give to your loved one nor will they suffer for your behavior, however, I will not look for any little excuse to go in the room if you are there. If I need to, I will ask you to leave more often and will not hesitate to call security if there is a problem.

3. Cell phones are great inventions and I have no problem with family members or patients using them...in moderation. Do not try to carry on a conversation with me and someone else at the same time. Also, do not pace the halls talking on your cell phone. If you do carry a cell phone I do not expect to have any of your family members call me at the nurse's station for any update, that's what your job is. The walkie-talkie feature is not appropriate in a hospital setting.

4. I will take one call from one family member. I will not take calls from "friends" "neighbors" or "almost like a child" people. All you do is pull me away from the bedside of your loved one. Please don't threaten me when I do not give information; the federal government, in all their wisdom, has determined that I cannot give medical information over the phone. If you feel the need to threaten me please know I will hang up.

5. The doctors are a mystery to us as well. We don't know when they are going to round, who they are going to talk to, what they are going to order or when the patient is going home. You can demand to see a doctor all you want and all I can do is call and see when they will be around. I have no control over them or their schedules. You may feel like they are avoiding you...I feel the same way. Once again, threatening me at this point is useless and will not get a doctor up to see you, it will only anger me... see topic 2.

6. Following me around the unit to ask questions is not acceptable. Unfortunately there are many sick patients, all of whom require the same attention as your loved one. Pulling me out of a room to ask for a blanket is not okay with me. If you continue to do this we will have to have a talk about boundaries which I probably don't have time for. I am happy to answer all your questions when I am in your room but please know that I do not have all the answers.

7. I have no control over the ancillary departments in the hospital. If the cafeteria wants to give you wheat toast instead of white it is not my fault...go ahead and sue us. I don't control the people who schedule MRIs nor do I control when phlebotomy comes to draw labs. You can yell at me and I still won't control the ancillary departments. I think their purpose is to make my job harder sometimes but in the end we get everything done so sit quietly and be patient. The louder you are the more annoyed I get.

8. Do not come and tell me every time the bedside heart monitor beeps. I know what is going on...I am a trained professional. Everything in that room is rigged so I will know if your loved one farts so please don't feel the need to give me updates every 5 minutes. Trust me to do my job.

9. There is one main reason people come to the hospital........to receive nursing care. Be nice to the nurses and they will be nice back. We put up with a lot of power struggles and politics so when we reach our breaking point look out. Chocolate is always appreciated as well as doughnuts...preferably Tim Hortons.

Update

Well, a lot has happened since I last blogged. Hard to believe it has been 7 months...life gets away from you in the winter. We all go into hibernation just waiting for that first warm day with sunshine. I will do my best to catch everyone up on almost everything....

In November we found out we are pregnant; actually, I am pregnant. It was a shock although not unplanned. I really didn't think that pregnancy was an option based on some information given to me by previous doctors. Boy would I like to call them. It took about 4 months of nature for the little miracle to happen. I am now 25 weeks into the pregnancy and not sure that I am the best pregnant person. I don't complain all the time or gush over the cutest baby clothes ever...I just don't do anything. I still have not purchased a single item for the baby and we are still calling the baby an "it". Probably going to come out with mental issues right up front. I have painted the nursery and sometimes even call it the nursery instead of the guest room. We do know we are having a boy which really surprised 99% of our friends who thought girl. So I guess I am just existing in a pregnant body...which is a whole other issue.

In December I was pretty much nauseated the whole month and worked Christmas. Not much fun really. We did have our first ultrasound the end of the month and were able to tell family about the baby for Christmas. Everyone was shocked and so happy. We sent them a recording of the heartbeat in a Build-A-Bear for Christmas. Then I spent my first sober New Years in a long time...it is no fun being the sober one but Pete stayed sober with me which I really appreciate.

In January my cat was diagnosed with diabetes. This was a huge blow but not the end of the world like I thought. We are managing his illness with insulin and we have all changed our habits a little. Life now revolves around when Tyger needs his insulin shot and whether he needs to go the vet. Hundreds of dollars have been sunk into this cat which may explain why I haven't bought anything for the baby. It is a good thing he is the good cat and we love him.

February was a pretty normal month. I started gaining weight and trying to be okay with that, Pete tried to keep up with my eating habits. Hunger has a whole new definition when you are pregnant. It isn't the normal, "I'm hungry and think I will eat now", it is more like, "Get me food now or I will kill you". I whole new attitude influenced largely by hormones. Hormones are a funny thing, they will make you think the craziest stuff even though the truth is right in front of you. Not a day goes by that I don't tell myself, "it's just he hormones, that isn't really happening". No wonder so many mothers are crazy.

The end of February took us on a cruise which was awesome...except the no drinking. I really didn't think it would be a big deal but watching Pete drink that first day sent me into a crying fit I didn't know I was capable of. Of course it was hormone driven and poor Pete didn't drink again for 3 days despite my insistence. I didn't get sick to my stomach the whole cruise but I did have an allergy attack starting in Puerto Rico. All in all it was a great trip and I'm thankful we got one more vacation in.

March brought along a nice snowstorm on the very day we were to find out the gender of the baby. I was so upset to have to cancel the appointment, not because of finding out the gender but this is the only was to really 'see' the baby and know it is okay. I think being a nurse and being pregnant is a double curse simply because I know all the things that can go wrong and of courses expect everyone of them to happen. We were able to reschedule for a time when my mother was in town so she was able to go see the ultrasound with us. What a blessing to be able to see that person inside you moving and good news...it has a brain. Of course it's mouth was moving the entire ultrasound so Pete says it will no doubt take after me which I think is a positive not a negative.

The people who say that pregnancy is the best time of their lives are liars. I don't like these people simply because they fill those of us who are naive with hope that this journey isn't all that bad. Maybe it is a little different because I am over 30 or maybe I am a wuss, who knows but this has not been the best experience of my life. I am thankful that I am able to have a baby and help produce the next generation I just wish the side effects weren't so in your face.

I am thankful to have Pete in my life and to know that we will achieve parenthood together. When I consider how I would manage without him I realize that I wouldn't. We have more than a marriage, we have a bond and a true friendship. One more thing, now he is never getting rid of me because now we have a kid.