Life

Sometimes I think life just gets the best of you. I try to stay very aware of myself, my actions and how those actions affect the people around me; right now I'm not happy with what I see or feel. Life is a funny thing, it can be going along fine one minute and then little by little the stress builds up until you are at a breaking point. If you are like me you don't see the little by little, you just see the breaking point. My breaking point is blaring with flashing lights and sirens right in front of my face. I can't take anymore controversy, stress or drama. I am thankful that next week is the beginning of a vacation that will hopefully bring everything under control and back to a manageable level, if not I may go crazy. My next post will probably not be until after that vacation, or until I have something more uplifting to say...whichever comes first.

Friendship Hierarchy

There exists a friendship hierarchy that is used by most women, however, few men know about this hierarchy. For men you are either friends or you aren't, there is no in between or classifications. For women there are multiple classifications based on the attitudes, personality and talents of the person. I like to compare it to the cereal aisle at the grocery store; the ones that are really good for you and are the most valuable sit on the top, the ones that are all sugar, fluff and puff that will probably make you sick are on the bottom.

So the top tier has your close friends, the ones who listen to you talk about your problems...I mean really listen. These are the people who know something is wrong even before you get out of the car but if you don't want to talk about it they don't push you. They try to know you inside and out and the advice they give is appropriate; however, they don't get upset when you don't take their advice, they just help pick up the pieces. These are the friends that you can't live without, they complete you as a person and hopefully make you a better person. If something is wrong you know without a doubt you can count on these people.

The middle is the people you enjoy being with. These people can be co-workers, neighbors, family...anyone you enjoy hanging out with. You don't necessarily tell them everything, especially nothing personal. These are people you trust, but as with anyone there is a boundary. You know enough about each other to talk for hours, you might know their family and other circle of friends. You can count on them in a crisis but they aren't your first choice. They make you laugh and generally you are happy when you are with them.

The bottom is the people who will make you sick. These are the people who lie about you, make you think you are crazy. They are your 'friends' mostly because you need to maintain some type of relationship with them; maybe a work-relationship or maybe a family-relationship. They really don't contribute to your life at all except to make you stressed out and to start unnecessary drama. These people can make you feel gullible and naive

I guess there may be a fourth tier which is the friends you thought you had and then you found out were someone completely different. These are the people who showed you one face while hiding the other; finding the other face can be painful but is worth it in the long run. Keeping your distance from these people will be beneficial since they will only try to hurt you. Of course the good thing about these friends is that when everything falls apart you have learned a valuable lesson about yourself and people in general. Oddly enough these are the people who accuse you of never opening up and making yourself vulnerable to others.

That is the hierarchy or friendship according to me but I think most women use some type of hierarchy.

Thoughts

There is a lot of stuff that is going to be happening in the next month or even next few months...most of it is good. The first countdown started today; 2 weeks until I head to Phoenix and bring my friend back home. What a drive that will be but it will be worth it all. At least I get a week off from work which I would do just about anything for. The next countdown is for our anniversary which is in 29 days. We fly to Vegas the night of our anniversary for some sun and fun and a long weekend. 10 years is a long time to be married so we are gonna live it up in case we don't make it any more years (just kidding). What could be more fun than Vegas. Just for the record our anniversary is June 15th, feel free to send gifts (cash is always appreciated). The last countdown is my birthday, that is about 73 days away. This is the bad countdown since it will signal the end of my 20's and the beginning of my 30's. Painful to even say. Nevermind, I'm not ready to think about that one yet.

Change of topic; work has been downright depressing lately. We have had quite a few patients die and quite a few less than optimal outcomes. I truly believe that certain rooms can have the death hex, meaning that the patients in these rooms are probably going to die. Of the last 4 organ donations we have had, 3 came from one room. Those odds can't be ignored. Everyone working is depressed so this is not a good time to be in healthcare, at least not at my hospital. Oh yeah, throw into the mix that management has decided we are overstaffed and so we are now working at the bare minimum; I thought we were working at the minimum before but once again I have been proven wrong.

On a personal note which I guess this whole post has been...there are always reasons to remain emotionally distant, especially from strangers. Throwing your emotions at everyone you meet is not something I do. If that makes me an emotionally distant person I'll take that, at least I am not vulnerable. Just because I don't cry in public doesn't mean I don't have feelings like everyone else or that my feelings can't get hurt or that I am not human. Everyone hurts and can be hurt the same, we just express it differently. If I want my emotions seen they will be seen, otherwise leave it alone.

Staying Connected

When did it become unacceptable to be out-of-touch? I watch TV and laugh at the people on the shows who are so dependent on the blackberry, cell phone, pager; but when I analyze my life is it really different? As soon as I sit in the car I have my cell phone dialing, I certainly wouldn't want to drive the car without talking to someone. At work checking email all night has become regular behavior despite being against the rules...would it really be so bad if an email went unanswered for a few hours. Myspace.com is an addicition; people looking for people and friends...trying to connect to anyone possible. Comparing the length of another person's friend list to yours is normal; why do they have more friends than me?

Is it loneliness that drives us to these extremes? I enjoy time by myself without the distractions of another person's thoughts so maybe it is habit or a learned activity. The question is, why do we need to stay so connected and are we really connected through technology? There is nothing more personal than a face-to-face visit...how many people do we see face-to-face outside of work? On my days off I am eager to not see or take care of people. I love all of my friends at work but really spend enough time with them already. So who is left?

Maybe staying technologically connected is the only way possible to sort through everyone's busy schedule and find a meeting time and place. A quick email sent will remind a friend that you are thinking of them, a response back does the same for you. A short chat on instant messenger is used to relay information, text messaging the same. How much is lost in translation, how much emotion goes unrecognized without the verbal or face-to-face contact? Friendships are now determined by time schedules and chat rooms rather than by finding common interest and exploring each other's feelings and habits.

Are we better off to stay so disconnected from personal time spent with friends and switch to technology?

Poison Ivy

In keeping with my nature I am going to whine. For the second year in a row I have poison ivy. This year isn't as bad as last year but I am also treating it much earlier. Last year we thought it was a fluke, this year we have discovered our entire back property line is poison ivy. Of course we bought this house because the lot out back was open and not going to be developed, that is kicking us in the butt now. Pete hasn't managed to be infected yet so he has been designated the poison ivy killer. He sprayed this week and already everything is dying; I still am not going near it. So much for doing yard work.

Do you all know that poison ivy isn't contagious? Of course if you have the oil on your hands and touch someone it is contagious but the sores themselves are not contagious. Everyone gets all wiggy when you mention poison ivy but it really can't be shared; the person infected gets to suffer in misery alone. If it was contagious Pete would have it by now.

So now I am on Prednisone which I really don't mind, at least it doesn't interfere with my birth control like almost every other drug. A few night sweats, heart palpitations and then I will be fine. With all these steroids I may try to take on that homerun record myself...move over Barry Bonds.

Guests

I felt like I should post something that is not work related, something a little more uplifting and insightful than my whining about my job. Here we go....

My parents have been in town the last 3 days which is a good thing since I do miss them. I am continually amazed at the different lives we live and yet we are related. I'm pretty sure this is normal and if we were to have children I would expect them to live a different life than I do. Your childhood really does shape you as an adult, whether good or bad it is up to you to make your own life and decisions. It would be so easy to blame all problems on your childhood but that is in the past and over; there is really no point in dwelling on the past. Everyone had difficulty, how you deal is important.

I enjoy having company and I also enjoy when they leave. Pete and I have become very accustomed to living our own life without anyone else to think about; we have become very selfish with our time. It is difficult to share your precious weekend time, that should be spent together, with other people. My cats get a little freaked out with company too, but they are better than they used to be. Now that we have stayed in one place for almost 2 years I think they are starting to develop some security. I know they appreciate staying in one place.

I have always said that I could leave OH tomorrow and not have any problems saying goodbye, that has changed. I have some wonderful friends here and I am so appreciative of all of you. It will be difficult to leave, but that won't be for many years. I hope you all know how much I love you....

Burnout

I know I am becoming a blog slacker and I apologize. There have been too many other things going on and a huge lack of motivation. The weather has been my main distraction. The sun is warm again and bright, how can I stay inside? The other issue is a major burnout on life or more importantly work. I think people in healthcare go through burnout about once a year, at least that is my average. This burnout is especially hard for some reason, I'm pretty sure I don't want to take care of anymore people for the rest of my life. They don't teach you in school how emotionally and mentally exhausting it is to take on these patients, their families and all the problems associated with them. In addition, we have had some really sad patients come in the past 3 weeks and that certainly doesn't help. So my goal is no more overtime this summer, maybe the occasional day thrown in but not every week. I need to spend more time at home and with friends, less time with the sick. I know this is common for nurses, I can't speak about the other healthcare professions.

On a positive note, only 27 more days until I head to Phoenix and bring my crazy friend back home. I can't wait for her to live near me again (that is another reason not to work overtime this summer). We will be Thelma and Louise for a few days, look out world.