The weekend

This had been a rough weekend, but not for reasons I can control (that took a lot to type). The last shift I worked was a rough shift; too many patients, not enough beds or nurses. We had one bed available and I told the on-call doctor to pick which patient was going to be admitted to that precious bed. He chose wisely. I admitted this patient in the middle of the night, from all appearances this was a very healthy person. The CT scan never lies and in fact this was a very unhealthy person who would die approximately 24 hours after first lying in our bed. I did not see this patient die, but was told about it the next day (as I was walking through the Kroger...not a good place to receive bad news). The impact this patient had on me after only 4 hours is unexplainable. People die on my unit all the time. There is always a tragic story which I can usually ignore but why not this one? I have thought about this all weekend...about the family planning a funeral, the impact on the rest of their lives. I was planning dinner while they were writing the obituary.

I have been told that I choose to live my life closing off my emotions, maintaining a "safe" distance from everyone. That I live my life closed off from people who want to know me and understand me, I disagree. Imagine spending 36 hours (or more) every week with people whose lives have drastically changed and not usually for the better. Imagine you have to explain to these people why they can't talk, can't move their arm, or worse is explaining to the family why the patient will never wake up. The mother who wants desperately to hear her daughter's voice and see the recognition in her eyes that will never come. Imagine going through for just one second. After that, judge me all you want.

I chose nursing and I love nursing but that doesn't make my job easy or glamorous. I am not the bawling emotional type of person nor do I like to be around that person. I prefer to use the term 'burnout' and take a break. Somehow I don't think the last 4 days is enough.